Kael MacQuarrie , Author at The Argosy

75 things to do before you graduate

Kael MacQuarrie — Thu, 12 May 2016 20:41:48 +0000

1. Fuck the Hart Hall ghost

2. Fall into the vile Waterfowl swamp on your 19th birthday

3. Drink Faxe because you’re too poor to drink anything else

4. Get hooked on cigarettes

5. Lose a piece of clothing in every residence

6. Get as many free drinks as possible

7. Get banned from at least three of the downtown establishments at one time

8. A whole box of wine

9. Pass out in a stranger’s room

10. Piss in a trashcan

11. Piss in the Windsor Hall fire escape

12. Piss in the Windsor Hall elevator

13. Piss on your roommate

14. Tongue-kiss BA Johnston at a BA Johnston show

15. Make all the landlords in town hate you

16. Swim in the Swan Pond

17. Kill two swans

18. Legally change your name to “John Belushi The College Man”

19. Become a Sassy’s regular

20. Win it all at the Uncle Larry’s VLTs

21. Walk to the liquor store in a blizzard

22. Go on a bender during the strike

23. Underpay your friend to drive you to the airport

24. Just try the tatertot casserole

25. Watch your friend puke at meal hall

26. Jerk off in the library bathroom

27. Don’t bother showing up to a final exam

28. Poop in every building on campus (and in town if you can)

29. Drink so much coffee you have a mental breakdown

30. Take study drugs, nature’s coffee

31. Go to an exam after not attending a class for the entire semester

32. Vomit in every residence

33. Do a chin-up in every door frame on campus

34. Green out

35. See a picture of yourself before meal hall and cry

36. Eat eight chicken burgers in one sitting

37. Break something in Windsor Hall

38. Argue your way out of a residence fine

39. Argue your way out of a police fine

40. Steal a funnel from a house party

41. Go to SappyFest. Seriously, it rules

42. Do psychedelic drugs and accidently become a nihilist

43. Get a drunk stick-and-poke tattoo of a meme that will lose relevancy in a week

44. Get a free Bob Marley poster from your weed dealer

45. Lose your dignity on the dancefloor

46. Hit the bucket

47. Slur your way through a Goya’s order at 3 a.m.

48. Stick around for reading week

49. Go to class hung over

50. Skip meals because you’re studying

51. Neglect your health entirely during finals

52. Incur crippling debt

53. Start referring to movies as “film”

54. Get into the band Godspeed You! Black Emperor

55. Start hating the band Godspeed You! Black Emperor

56. Throw a street sign into the quarry

57. Go to the Fuck Cancer party so you can stand out front and smoke cigarettes all night

58. Grow to hate your roommates

59. Grow to hate everything

60. Go through ego death

61. Get caught listening to some douchebag ramble on about Marxism at a house party

62. Get drunk on a roof

63. Do a 5th year

64. Do a 6th year

65. Graduate, I guess

66. Reflect on your complete lack of employability

67. Get a new wardrobe to fit the #Trends

68. Go to the campus pub once and then never go back again if you can help it

69. Discover it is possible to survive for two weeks with 46 cents in your bank account

70. Give every single person on campus a nickname

71. Walk out to a show at George’s (they still happen once in a while)

72. Convince everyone you can that your name is Li’l Jeb at a house party

73. Get blackout drunk on free wine at an art opening

74. Kick everyone out of a house party by blasting LCD Soundsystem’s “Damce Yrself Clean” (It’s the perfect ‘Get the fuck out of my house’ song)

75. #FindYourself

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Girth opens Sackville’s Bordertown Festival

Kael MacQuarrie — Thu, 12 May 2016 18:14:57 +0000

The town of Sackville hosted its second annual Bordertown Festival last weekend, a celebration highlighting town culture and promoting local business. One of the events which took place at Thunder & Lightning showcased Sackville local Zack Bruce, followed by the newly minted band Girth. This show displayed a side of the Sackville music scene startlingly opposite to the folk and indie this town is often associated with.

The night was opened by DJ Zack Bruce, who played a set consisting of future bass bangers. The hour-long mix flowed seamlessly through a variety of different sounds, showcasing the best experimental pop has to offer, as well as some of Bruce’s own compositions. His set had a darker tilt than usual, in contrast to the airy flittering future bass of his previous sets – bass lines lurked and crept as the crowd danced out their dread.

After a brief intermission, the DJ hopped behind the drum kit as Sackville’s newest band Girth took the stage. The crowd waited in anticipation; this was Girth’s debut show, and everyone seemed unsure of what to expect. Opening the show with a jazz-influenced jam session, the band quickly morphed into a hardcore act, awash in noise and screaming.

Vocalist James Fagan howled as a wall of noise built, and for a minute I was genuinely scared I was going to go deaf. The band held the barrage of noise for what felt like an eternity, imprisoning the crowd in the static abyss. Bassist Phil Legere thrashed around with his instrument as if he were trying to strangle it into submission. Meanwhile, Bruce triggered samples with an MPC as he drummed, giving the band a unique sound that mixed hardcore and hip hop. They were creating a progressive mess of noise that was unlike anything I have ever heard from a Sackville band thus far. Bruce fought with his drum kit, breaking his kick pedal during the set and decimating every drumstick he had, as he created a solid structure to frame the noise being produced from Fagan and Legere’s playing.

The band displayed a wide range of influences in their sound; industrial destruction was punctured by house chords that built up just to drop into crunching noise, and ear drum busting breakdowns morphed into Krautrock influenced jams. Though the sounds were eclectic, everything was in its right place, and the sound came together creating an interesting and well structured whole.

A remix of Rihanna’s 2015 single “Bitch Better Have My Money” was the centerpiece of the set, with the band turning the track into an industrial mess. It was as if Rihanna was screeching from the confines of a cardboard compactor in some hellish factory of noise. As the crowd moshed during the last song of the set, Legere’s bass amp was unplugged by flailing limbs. Legere reacted quickly, fixing the issue and snapping into a face melting bass solo, and the band launched into their final track of the evening. Though the show was rather short, lasting only five songs, the crowd was frothing at the mouth for more as the set came to a close. As Girth left the stage, it definitely seemed as if they were down with the thickness.

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RIP humour (2015-2016)

Kael MacQuarrie — Thu, 07 Apr 2016 00:18:03 +0000

Co-Author Brendan Carroll:

As most of you probably know, Brendan and I have been your humour editors for the past year. We have filled the final pages of the paper with a lot of great content from our many contributors, as well as a lot of mediocre content created by us in a scramble late at night. As a parting gift, we figured we would release the cover letter we drunkenly wrote together and sent to the former Argosy editor-in-chief that somehow got us this job. Feel free to steal it and send it again if you want to follow in our half-assed footsteps.

Thanks for sticking with us all year,

Kael and Brendan xoxo

We would like to apply for co-humour editors. We make funnies, bringing the freshest in jokes and viral meme content every single day, even on weekdays. One time, I made a joke so big and fun that my own grandmother disowned me because it was that funny. We think we could make jokes better than any made before; limericks, puns all that jazz you know. Thank you for your time. This cover letter itself is not a joke, we are serious about work. The work of jokes.

Jokes. That’s what we’re good at. Or at least we like to pretend that we are. We believe that we are the most qualified people for this job. For reference, please check out our respective Favstars, associated with our Twitter accounts, which shall be linked below. We have been churning out content since the day we were born, we have been fully immersed in the meme community of the internet.

To prepare for the position we have watched all five seasons of the hit ’90s sitcom NewsRadio. Even though it is about the daily dealings of working in a radio station instead of the daily dealing working for a paper, I assume they are the same thing and feel like this has prepared us thoroughly to bring the jokes. We can make jokes about a lot of things: Weed jokes, Jokes about skateboards, jokes about barnyard animals, political commentary jokes. The list could go on forever. Name a topic and we will bring the joke.

As for the procuring of the other jokes, we will open up submissions to the community at large, filtering only the greatest of the jokes into the humour section. We feel, as great creators of joke content, that we are also fully qualified to judge the quality of the jokes created by others. As arbiters of the jokes we shall usher in a Golden Age of Argosy humour, keeping a consistently “gut-busting” pace.

Thank you for your consideration,

Brendan Carroll &

Kael MacQuarrie

P.S. We are also applying for the position of co-editors-in-chief.

P.P.S. There will be no anime jokes.

Favstar Links:

http://favstar.fm/users/justbrenny (Brendan)

http://favstar.fm/users/basedkael (Kael)

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11 things I do instead of studying for 20 hours a week

Kael MacQuarrie — Thu, 17 Mar 2016 05:14:18 +0000

1) Think about how cool it would be if they taught babies how to smoke cigarettes

2) Dig up every square inch of dirt in this town looking for the bones of the MTA swans for ritualistic purposes

3) Many failed attempts teaching my young 6 month old son, Thrashcore MacQuarrie, how to smoke cigarettes.

4) Doing chin ups in every door frame on campus in an attempt to get swole

5) Having existential breakdowns over the few philosophy readings I did do

6) Scouring the dark net for as many banned Gerber Baby memes my filthy eyes can fit in their corneas

7) Cutting off all my body hair and molding it into a hair throne to sit in

8) Making shitty top ten lists full of nonsense

9) Cranking it

10) Guzzling all the half-full beers left over from the weekend I can find lying around my apartment

11) Listening to as many eurodance club hits from the 90’s backwards in an attempt to find satanic messages (which I count as studying)

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Vogue Dots bring T&L Fest to a close

Kael MacQuarrie — Thu, 18 Feb 2016 02:09:30 +0000

Saturday shows range from electronica and dreampop to heavy metal:

This past weekend, Thunder & Lightning played host to the second T&L Fest. The bar organized a number of boisterous events: poetry readings, art displays, drunken patrons butchering classic hits at karaoke, and a couples bowling tournament. The bar also fostered several shows, bringing in an eclectic mix of performers to the bowling alley stage on Saturday night.

A mid-afternoon show kicked off the musical portion of the day’s events, with the Moncton two-piece Riet Soda taking to the stage first. Riet Soda played a set of garage punk focused on frontman Ross Duncan’s songwriting ability. The drumming was mechanical but lively, creating an energy that was not fully capitalized on by Duncan. The guitarist played sloppy chords and displayed a strong sense for writing poppy punk melodies, though his guitar sound was not full enough and lacked the punch required to carry a two-piece band.

Motherhood was up next, a Fredericton-based three-piece punk-blues band that played a set of howling jams. Their songs mutated through various time signatures and styles, hopping from heavy electric blues in the vein of Black Sabbath’s debut album to jazzy breakdowns, only to snap back together into solodrenched noise. The band’s vocalist howled southern-gothic narratives of loss and redemption as he squelched out solos that made a mess of the pentatonic scale. The rhythm section locked into a slinking groove that formed a solid foundation for the set, and despite a few issues regarding gear refusing to work mid-song, Motherhood’s set was definitely one worth catching.

Finally, Vomitself played a set of sludgy grindcore. Monolithic walls of distortion filled the gaps in between lengthy odysseys that writhed and thrashed as they morphed through time signatures and sounds. Guitarist Alex Galley played his instrument with such ferocity that it was drenched in blood by the end of the second track, due to his fingers splitting open from the technical shredding. Drummer Marc-Andre Richard pounded the T&L house drum set to a pulp while bassist Olivier Martell kept pace. Vocalist Anna Maltais shrieked like she was being branded by Satan himself, while the crowd headbanged through their hangovers to one of the loudest bands around.

After the afternoon havoc came to a close, four hours were allotted between sets to allow the bowling alley to host the couples bowling tournament. This gave the crowd time to regroup and imbibe some alcohol before the evening’s events. The latter portion of the shows focused on what the festival billed as “experimental dance music.”

Zack Bruce performed a set of skittering electronic music that turned the bowling alley into a rave awash in sweaty bodies. Bruce’s set was beautifully sequenced, transitioning seamlessly through hip-hop influenced future bass jams to Ryan Hemsworth-esque airy bangers. Bruce’s production displayed an excellent sense of sampling throughout, pulling material from sources as eclectic as Super Nintendo games and PC Music artist Sophie, appropriating and reimagining sounds until they became something completely indistinguishable from the source material. A remix based around the melancholy Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy Kong’s Quest soundtrack gem “Stickerbrush Symphony” was one of the highlights of the set, with the track morphing into a dancefloor anthem that shifted through three different time changes as Bruce layered trap-influenced drum beats over the wonky synth of the original track. Bruce was transfixed with his gear throughout the set, looking intently at his equipment as he manically turned knobs on his mixer. The crowd gave in enthusiastically.

The evening was closed out by Vogue Dots, a two-piece synthpop act based out of Halifax. Awash in vibrant colors projected by a stellar light setup, the pair took to the stage dressed in all black to play a set of dreamy pop songs. Arpeggiated synth fell like a warm rain as the duo explored sonic soundscapes that unfurled slowly throughout their songs. Vocalist Babette Hayward sang ethereal melodies that lay under the synth in the mix, adding to the ambience of the set. Though the pair experienced issues with their gear, they took it in stride, performing around the malfunctioning equipment without allowing it put a damper on their set. Vogue Dots let the crowd wind down after turning up so hard during the previous set, and provided a perfect close to a day of noise and dancing.

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List of Rejected Hallmark Valentine’s Card Slogans

Kael MacQuarrie — Thu, 11 Feb 2016 04:16:58 +0000

1) I pulled out all of my teeth so I can tongue kiss you better.

2) Are you The Matrix because when I look at you I want to wear a fine leather coat.

3) Roses are red, violets are blue, please everyone donate to my kickstarter, to buy myself some new teeth I can’t chew.

4) You make my heart palpitate so much I cough up blood

5) What’s the deal with makin’ whoopee?

6) You remind me of my dad because I want to kiss your neck a bunch in a non-sexual way and then try to explain it to strangers that don’t understand.

7) Let’s make stank ass love

by Kael MacQuarrie

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David Bowie’s Best Five Personas

Kael MacQuarrie — Fri, 22 Jan 2016 00:00:50 +0000

David Bowie was a chameleon, adopting many different personas during his career, which spanned five decades. We have whittled down this list to the five most iconic.

Baby Bowie

During the first two years of his life, Bowie refused to eat food unless it was fed to him by his parents and would not urinate anywhere except in his pants, or as the English call them, “trousers.”

Zard, the funky alien

Ah yes, who could forget Zard. During this two-year period from 1971-73, the artist released his iconic album Zard the little space man freaks out. Bowie refused to do any interviews not conducted in a total vacuum filled with nothing but milk during this period, and shot both of his children into space on makeshift rockets.

Crocodile Dundee Bowie

During the late ’80s, Bowie took on one of his more controversial personas, changing his name to Crocodile Dundee and starring in several films as the character, including Crocodile Dundee, Crocodile Dundee 2, and reprising his role in 2001 for Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles. This persona was critically panned, leading to a period of inactivity for the musician.

Smashing Pumpkins Bowie

After the Crocodile Dundee Bowie fiasco of the late ’80s, public opinion of David Bowie was at a low. The artist needed to reimagine himself to recapture the imagination of the world, and reimagine he did. In 1993, Bowie unveiled his new persona, becoming every single member of the alternative-rock band The Smashing Pumpkins at the same time during the Siamese Dream tour.

Internet .jpg Bowie

During the mid-2000s, Bowie proved he was once again ahead of the curve, converting his corporeal body into a .jpg image file, allowing his fans to type things such as “David Bowie in small wobbling hat” or “David Bowie wearing an interesting floppy hat” into their search engines to summon Bowie himself onto their computer screen.

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David Bowie’s Musical Legacy

Kael MacQuarrie — Thu, 21 Jan 2016 23:02:21 +0000

On January 10, David Bowie passed away. Here are nine of my favorite Bowie tracks (or tracks that Bowie had a hand in creating in some capacity) to help remind you that he was one of the coolest dudes around.

“The Man Who Sold The World” – David Bowie (The Man Who Sold The World, 1970)

A forgotten gem until Nirvana’s infamous cover during their MTV Unplugged set, one that deserved to be dug up.

“Moonage Daydream” – David Bowie (The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars, 1972)

Bowie is both an alligator and a mama papa coming for you. Space Glam from another dimension. Freak out.

“All The Young Dudes” – Mott The Hoople (All The Young Dudes, 1973)

Bowie allegedly wrote this on the spot for Mott the Hoople when they were about to break up due to a lack of commercial success. If only Bowie wrote all of their songs.

“Shake Appeal” – The Stooges (Raw Power, 1973)

Bowie was called in to mix Raw Power after Iggy Pop handed in a garbled mess, and he decided to leave it a garbled mess. It was probably the best call.

“Always Crashing in the Same Car” – David Bowie (Low, 1977)

The Bowie of 1977 was a very different being than the one that had put out hits like “Changes” a few years earlier, creating introspective art rock helmed by Brian Eno while trying to kick a coke addiction in Berlin.

“Dum Dum Boys” – Iggy Pop (The Idiot, 1977)

Pop’s first post-Stooges record was produced by Bowie, and his production makes it sound like Pop is crooning from some vacuum outside of space and time.

“Heroes” – David Bowie (Heroes, 1977)

The line about the dolphins is stupid, but the proto-shoegaze wall of sound production is definitely not stupid.

“Gut Feeling/Slap Your Mammy” – Devo (Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo, 1978)

Yeah, the “Whip It” dudes. Bowie helped Brian Eno produce this album on weekends, declaring Devo’s robotic new wave the sound of the future in interviews. The ripper is off Devo’s criminally underrated debut.

“Blackstar” – David Bowie (Blackstar, 2016)

A celestial dirge from a man on his deathbed, knowingly crafting his legacy. Forward-thinking to the end. The perfect note to go out on.

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I refuse to stop projectile vomiting in front of Town Hall until Sackville legalizes skateboarding.

Kael MacQuarrie — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 18:54:23 +0000

An open letter to the head honchos at the Town of Sackville and the people of Sackville

Skateboarding must be legalized. I am so angry that I cannot pop sick tricks down Main Street with my friends, and I have put a lot of thought into how to protest this gross injustice. I promise to projectile vomit in front of Town Hall until this law has been waived. “How is that an effective protest?” you may ask. Can a person really projectile vomit for more than a minute? They can if they consume nothing but milk and raw hotdogs in an endless stream, a thing I plan on doing in front of Town Hall until this draconian law is lifted.

In nature, dogs are known to create skateboards out of large logs, pulling out clumps of their loose hair which they fashion into wheels which they attach to these logs. These dogs then ride around on these logs, hitting half-pipes and smoking mad weed under the broken bridge while listening to NOFX. Skateboarding culture is natural, and things that are natural should not be illegal. Dogs are also known to eat grass until they projectile vomit, a tactic that I plan on using to help sustain my multi-month puke fest that will last until this archaic law has been lifted and our skateboarders have been freed.

I am sure that the Town will not take this protest seriously at first, but after they see my love of vomiting large chunks they will have to take notice. I will fill every container in sight with vomit. They can try to spray down my vomit with a hose in an attempt to do cleanup, but I plan on eating a large amount of paint every hour, which will mix with the vomit and make it uncleanable. Every year in which the Town refuses to heed my vomit-filled protest I will find a new form of vomit to unleash on them. I will start a family, which I will raise on the Town Hall lawn, as my children and my children’s children endlessly vomit, following in my footsteps until we are free to skateboard wherever we choose.

I will not rest until we have been granted the right to skateboard in town. I have taught myself how to vomit and eat at the same time; I am an unstoppable waterfall of pure chunks. People may wonder when I will sleep, but that is a nonissue as I have trained my body for years so that it does not stop spewing as I rest. This is a cause that I will fight for until the end, and I urge you, the people of Sackville, to join me in the cause. Even if you do not know how to vomit, come join me. I will teach you. Thank-you for your time.

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T&L hosts evening of heavy metal and stand-up comedy

Kael MacQuarrie — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 18:51:31 +0000

Last Saturday evening, Thunder & Lightning played host to one of the strangest show pairings I have ever seen in this town, one which featured a set of stand-up comedy followed by a roster of local metal bands.

The show opened with Mark Little, whose work includes playing a role on the CBC show Mr. D, performing on Conan and co-creating the Halifax sketch comedy group Picnicface (you know, the Powerthirst dudes). Little told longer-form stories which focused on his relationship with his father or the strange pseudo-fame he has with children who recognize him from his television work. Little’s comedic style was traditional, telling stories and stringing them together, calling back on former bits and interacting with the crowd on his feet. His bits landed for the most part, with the odd exception: one particular joke about the absurdity of Just for Laughs: Gags fell a little flat, but for the most part the comedian did a good job at warming up the crowd.

Three stand-up comedy acts preceded the evening’s heavy-metal performances. Allison Grogan/Argosy

Toronto comedian Tom Henry followed, working mostly in observational humour and one- off jokes, in contrast to Little’s storytelling style. Henry’s jokes were dark, almost dropping into anti- humour territory at times, with a delivery that was reminiscent of Mitch Hedberg or Zack Galifianakis. Observational comedy has come a long way from the Seinfeld era of “what’s the deal” jokes, and Henry’s set was fresh and his apathetic dude- shtick worked well. The deadpan style may have elicited the tamest reaction from the crowd initially, but the comedian was the funniest of the three. The way in which his set was laid out allowed for the most amount of jokes to be delivered, as he did not focus on setting up punchlines with a story. All of Henry’s bits landed, and the highlights of his set were some absurdist haikus and a series of impressions that closed out his set.

The final set of the evening was Chris Locke, another Toronto- based comedian who performed a set of body-related, self-deprecating humour. Comedy that focuses on jokes pertaining to the body usually feels stale; we have all seen fat stand- up comedians tell the same jokes for years. Locke’s set was an example of how this form of comedy can still work, as the comedian told a number of anecdotes and different situations wherein his body was a hindrance. Locke’s set had a large focus on gross-out humour, with the comedian dropping defecation jokes and focusing largely on nudity. Locke worked the crowd well and interacted with the audience often, which in- cluded the comedian’s father.

The layout of the show was a unique experience for a stand up, with the comedians performing at the front of the bar. This created a cozy feeling as the comedians performed. The performers were deprived of the normal setup of a stage or lights to help distance themselves from the audience. This left the comedians exposed, facing down their audience as they laughed (or refrained from laughing) at their jokes, providing an intimacy not often felt at this kind of a show.

Following an hour break, the bar opened up the bowling alley for a selection of heavy bands that had traveled down from Moncton to blow our collective eardrums.

The musical portion of the night opened with Ape Monologue, a three-piece jam band that played instrumental prog heavily steeped in psychedelia. Ape Monologue was a psychedelic Cerberus: three heads acted as one as the trio jammed through their set of technical music. Opening with a wall of noise, the band broke into a hard groove as their guitarist, Eric Carrier, shredded his guitar to pieces. Carrier’s wah- heavy solos phased in and out of the ether as the rhythm section jammed in time signatures that would give a math major a headache. After two songs of this constructed psychedelic mess, Carrier traded roles with the bass player and the band shifted tones, playing several songs that held a jazzier influence. The guitar was cleaner. The set was impressive, with all three musicians showing extreme proficiency with their chosen instruments. The only real issue with Ape Monologue’s set was that the band occasionally fell out of sync with each other as they jammed. However, these instances were few and far between and the musicians always snapped back into the groove almost immediately. Ape Monologue isn’t your stoned uncle’s type of jam band.

Fear Agent followed, playing a set of thrash metal that was quick and packed a punch. The band’s vocalist, Julian Merlin, growled his way through the set with the kind of charisma most metal vocalists wish they had, writhing around like a man possessed by a satanic force. Fear Agent’s music is quick and fleeting; each song lasted around two minutes, but the band still found time to break down and build back up again as the audience watched in awe. One of Sackville’s infamous two-person mosh pits formed, as the band ripped through their set with an intensity not often seen in this folky little town.

Up last was Vomitself, a grindcore band sludgier than the tar sands. Vomitself’s music displayed a great dynamic sense as the band melded multiple styles of metal into one monstrous beast of distortion and noise. Guitarist Alex Galley smashed his guitar against his amp to create a wall of feedback, crumpling to his knees as if he was praying at the altar of distortion. Vocalist Anna Maltais ferociously growled through the set as Marc-Andre Richard and Olivier Martell filled in the rhythm section, beating their instruments to death as the music exploded from the sound system. Richard drummed with such intensity that he blew out his bass drum at the end of the set, and the two-person mosh pit that began during fear agent expanded, something almost unheard of at Sackville shows. Vomitself’s dynamic set was one of the best this town has seen in a while, thus proving metal is not dead in New Brunswick.

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