Even if you don’t have a car, you’re really in for it now!
By Whit Me Baby One More Time
Following the utter success of the thrice-delayed rollout of paid parking at Mt. St. A, secret plans to further complicate on-campus parking at the University have leaked. According to anonymous internal sources, the new paid parking policy will complicate everything further and will be introduced when you least expect it.
“One of the main problems with the earlier parking policy is that it only applied to students and staff with cars,” said a source who was not authorized to speak publicly, mostly because they do not work for the university and have no information at all. Lying through their teeth, they added: “now, we’ve expanded our reach to personally impact the lives of everyone in the Mt. St. A community.” Parking spots will be assigned through a lottery system, based on a complex algorithm which incorporates GPA, height, astrological signs, how objectively cool your degree is, and how rude you were to the Dicky’s bouncer last week. If you are assigned a spot but do not have a car, you better find something to put there: empty parking spots will be converted into AirBnbs to solve the housing crisis, and their assigned users will be responsible for construction costs. (These short-term rentals will not have their own parking spaces).
The availability of permits will also change; sources say it was “too easy” to buy them this time. From now on, parking permits will be available for purchase literally once in a blue moon: every time two full moons appear in the same calendar month, a limited number of permits will go up for sale. Because this phenomenon happens only every 2 or 3 years, prospective ‘30, ‘31, and ‘32 grads should buy their permits on May 31, 2026 before their window closes forever (or at least until the next one on Dec. 31, 2028).
Parking over the summer will now also require a permit, except for the lucky winner of a university-wide song contest to be held smack-dab in the middle of exam season.
In response to concerns about parking lot conditions, the University is introducing a BYOA (Bring Your Own Asphalt) plan: you will now get a one-time $3 discount on parking if you fill in one of the campus’s many, many potholes yourself.
The University is actually, genuinely, for real, not satirically, planning to build EV chargers in campus parking lots this summer. The owners of both electric cars in Ballsackville could not be reached for comment.