Students waiting for a text back from their situationships “might just roll with it”
By Whit Me Baby One More Time
Students are mystified after receiving a late-night text last week from Mt. St. A president Dr. Wonderland. The brief message, which was delivered to the entire student body at exactly 3:04 a.m. on Thursday, read simply “you up?”
The University has denied any ill intent behind the words; according to internal sources, the president was genuinely curious about the sleeping habits of Mt. St. A students. It is unclear at this time how many students responded to the message.
“I mean, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was flirtatious,” said a student who asked not to be identified to maintain their nonchalant reputation, “I’ve sent many texts like that in my day, and I’ve never followed it with ‘then you should go to bed!’”
“Yeah, the text interrupted me while I was meditating, which was annoying,” said one fourth-year student, who was cutting off the sleeves of his T-shirt as he spoke. “I wake up super early every morning to meditate–it just keeps me really grounded for the day. I’m also 6’3”, I have a really nice car, and there’s a job lined up for me after graduation.” (He insisted we include these facts, though the reporter feels the need to mention that he was at eye level with her while she was sitting down).
“I was really excited at first because I thought it maybe was sent from Monty,” said one student we have decided not to name out of sheer confusion, referring to Mt. St. A’s life-size duck mascot. “He’s just…really cool, and like such a good guy when you get to know him. We’ve kind of had this will-they-won’t-they thing going on all year, and I thought maybe he was finally going to make a move. I was pretty disappointed to see it was Dr. Wonderland, because I’m just not interested in him like that.” After an Anarchy reporter explained that underneath Monty’s tall furry frame is a person, the student seemed surprised, and emphasized their attraction was exclusive to the duck, using a rhyming expletive we cannot print.
In an unofficial statement, Mt. St. A called the text a “crazy mistake” and blamed the two-word missive on an overeager automated alert system. This excuse did not, however, explain the follow-up two minutes later: “oh my b I didn’t know that would send to all of you.”