By Lois Griffin
A little birdie on campus says that there is a new boss at The Anarchy. Alledgedy, she is taking her role very seriously. Reporters are being forced to whip out at least ten stories a week. They are being constantly exposed to the news, and sources report they are never allowed to leave the office. She’s installed little mats in the corners, so they don’t have to sleep. Facilities management is currently working on installing hamster wheels, so daily exercise in. You know, so they can stay locked in. They have reported that the constant exposure to international news is actually great for their mental health.
Second-year news reporter at The Anarchy, Cletus McNut, says this about the new supervisor: “She never lets me leave, like ever. She texts me all the time asking me ‘Are you locked into the Anarchy grind, pwincess?’ This is a horrible workplace.” After this interview, McNut was promptly let go.
When asked about her controversial management practices, she responded “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” She reportedly has taken a page out of Elon Pelon’s, founder of Hell Yesla, handbook on management practices.
The big boss said that none of the reporters “match her freak”. A large part of this interview was her describing her “freak,” of which she built from the ground up. She tells her jokes, and they just stare at her. IMMEDIATE EXECUTION! UR DONE! UR COOKED! Anyways, after a slight tantrum she came to her senses and realized she could not run the newspaper by herself. There is no I in team, allegedly or whatever.
Starting soon, the new boss will begin to implement new practices, to ensure a “safe and healthy workplace,” or whatever that means. These woke liberals. These commies. They wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if it slapped them in the face. But, anyways you can consistently expect quality newspaper content coming your way!
