Trill’s Tips

Ok. First of all, fuck. Second, fuck (again). Thirdly, hey guys what’s up, it’s Trill, and I’m still really hungover from Hoco. I may or may not have done some things I’m not entirely proud of, but I am proud to say that I did not puke or pass out (for more than 10 minutes)! First drink at 8:25 a.m. and last drink after 2 a.m.! Honestly, Homecoming is better than Christmas imo. But enough about Homecoming. As we all know, the semester doesn’t actually start until after Homecoming. Now, it’s time to hit the books. The best place to do this is the library, because that’s where all the books are. When you get to the library you’re going to have to choose somewhere to sit and these tips will serve as your guide on where to sit!

Tip 1. Start on the main floor. Meet up with some friends and get a table together! Studying as a group always works super well. Just kidding. You’re going to end up talking the whole time and maybe reading like three pages of whatever book you came to read. The noise level on first floor is honestly just astonishing. It’s like a living thing, inhaling and exhaling with different levels of volume. Everyone gets loud and quiet at the same time. I don’t fucking understand how it works. Yeah, so basically choose first floor if you only came to the lib to socialize.

Tip 2. The other normal options are the ground (red), second (green) and third (blue) floors. These are pretty standard, man, idk what to tell you… You go there, you usually sit alone, you do work. Some asshole behind you is eating some really smelly food. Oh god, what is that? An egg salad sandwich? Are you kidding? What is this, the 1950s? Who the hell eats those? Oh great, they brought chips too! That bag is going to be crinkling all day. OK, this asshole is chewing with their mouth open. Are you kidding me?? This is a goddamn nightmare. I didn’t want it to come to this but I’m going to have to do it… I’m gonna go to…

Tip 3. THE WHITE FLOOR. The basement. There is no noise on the white floor. It is impossible. You can hear the blood circulating through your body down here. The yellowish fluorescent lighting creates a real vibe. Is it a good vibe? No… But not bad either… The white floor is a scary place to be alone, but none of your friends will follow you down there. The white floor is rarely used by students. More people go down into the off-white abyss during exam season, but they aren’t “white floor people,” just tourists. People who regularly study down there aren’t fucking normal, man. It takes a special kind of person to be able to sit in absolute silence bathed in a dim yellow-white glow. In short, only go to the white floor if you’re planning on becoming a serial killer.

 

Well, I hope these tips weren’t bad. They might’ve been. I’m kind of out of it right now. It took me like four hours to write these. Just not functioning at peak capacity. Whatever. Trill out.

Trill Waves
Trill Waves is a colossal asshole who somehow conned his way into a position on the Argosy staff as Humour editor. We don’t know how he got here or how to get rid of him. Please contact argosy@mta.ca if you have any idea on how to get rid of this pest.