Trill’s tips

Hello peasants. It is I, King Trill. Sorry for not blessing you with my impeccable tips last week. It was a rough weekend, just like this one was! Anyhow, I’ve got some good ones (I think) for you this week, so let’s get it. A question the modern university student often asks themself is how they will be able to afford to eat this week. The answer, my dear friends, lies in the grocery store. This week’s tips are on how to choose what to buy at the grocery store.

Tip 1: Make sure it’s edible. Now, you might think this one is obvious, but I’ve been fooled before and I don’t want it to happen to you. Make sure you’ve actually entered the grocery store. There have been multiple times where I’ve gone into my dearly beloved second home, Kent Building Supplies, thinking I was going to secure a solid meal with the money I had earned there, only to come out with nothing to eat but an armful of two-by-fours and some nails. Lucky for me, I have a VERY strong stomach and was able to digest my hearty dinner easily, but I realize many of you are not so lucky. Other places that are not the grocery store/places you can get edible food (usually) are the mechanic’s, the RBC and Jennings Dining Hall (zing).

Tip 2: Frozen, never fresh. Once you’ve made sure you are, in fact, in the grocery store, you have to select a meal. Lucky for you, they come pre-made! That’s right, you’ve been living your whole life thinking that you had to make meals yourself. NOPE. There are a plethora of ready-made meals for you that can be found in the freezer section of any grocer. You name it, you can find it ready to eat after a quick zap in the microwave. If you can’t even be bothered to go through the effort of the going to the store or heating the food up, you can just order some MREs online by the crate.

Tip 3: It’s gotta be KD. Now, there’s a lot of debate in the sciences over whether we are influenced more by nature or nurture. I would say one of the strongest cases for nature is me. Like me, my father, [NAME REDACTED], is also a fucking legend. We are talking about a man who drank brews, wore a sheepskin vest and went to a Styx concert, all at the same time. Now you’re probably wondering what this has to do with your diet. Well ol’ [NAME REDACTED] is a very smart man who did the math and worked out the cheapest way to eat. That way would be Kraft Dinner, three meals a day, every day. Now there is a downside to this: as he soon found out, your skin will turn a slight tinge of orange, but only like, a little, so it’s not a big deal.

I live in my father’s shadow.

Alright guys, hope you keep these tips in mind on your next trip to the grocery store. Hit me up on FB (Trilliam Waves) so I don’t have to think these tips up entirely by myself. Catch you on the flip flop and bon appétit.

~Trill~

Trill Waves
Trill Waves is a colossal asshole who somehow conned his way into a position on the Argosy staff as Humour editor. We don’t know how he got here or how to get rid of him. Please contact argosy@mta.ca if you have any idea on how to get rid of this pest.