Drunk Mt. A student in Ducky’s discovers time travel

On Sunday, March 8 at 3:01 a.m., Shane Swanic had what he referred to as “the most woke-est moment of [his] life” when he was launched forward an hour into the future. While partaking in a night of festivities in the popular bar, Swanic opened his phone to check if any of his drunk texts had been received. He was disappointed to find that they had been received but had not been replied to. His disappointment soon gave way to shock and wonder as he realized he had been shot forward through time by an hour.

“My first thought was to call an ambulance for myself,” Swanic told ace reporter Trill Waves. “I mean I was definitely shittered but there was no way I was that drunk. An hour is a lifetime in Duck’s.”

When asked to explain his theory of time travel, Swanic, a first-year physics student, said he believed that he likely entered a wormhole when he went to the bathroom around 1:45 a.m. “I’ve seen a lot of wack shit in the bathroom at Duck’s so I can’t really rule it out as an option, plus I read somewhere on Reddit that these things actually happen way more than you think,” he said.

Waves asked Swanic if he thought his time-travelling adventure could have had anything to do with the daylight savings time change. He said that was “bullshit” and that “We all know time is just a concept” and “It’s all relative.” When Trill told him to “Chill out, Einstein,” Swanic left the interview.

However, Swanic said something as he walked off that made Trill wonder if Shane actually was a time traveller: “Just you wait and see you bespectacled prick, the science and tech section of the Argosy is gonna hear all about this and then the world will know all about my big discovery.” The Argosy did away with the science and technology section in 2010. Swanic was wearing an awful lot of Aeropostale… and those Osiris shoes…

Maybe Swanic really was a time traveller, or just really unfashionable and unaware of the Argosy’s section layout. Either way he was kind of a dick, so he can bite me.

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