When going to the movies with your friends if you are one of the lucky ones that has those—there is always that one friend that says, “If I was in that situation I’d… ” First off, they always sound like the whiny kid from grade two that tells everyone about his monster truck he drives. And second, no Jarald, you couldn’t do a backflipping somersaulting roundhouse kick. That’s not a real thing.
But what if we were in an action movie, and we had to do a backflipping somersaulting roundhouse kick? I’ll ask the king of all grade school questions: how long would you last in The Hunger Games? Here’s some categories, which ones fit you?
Specifically, the kind of camper that brings a five person tent for themselves, and fills it up with an air mattress so thick you could swear it’s a waterbed. But then they need to bring their electric air mattress pump, and their car to plug it in. After they set up their camping sofa, while their pump is screeching and hollering in the background, they will remark on how rugged they are for “ruffing it” in the woods. The Camper will run straight to their rugged home in the woods and promptly die because they thought they recognized nightlock berries.
The City Kitty:
I am sorry to say but all those times you chose to drive instead of walking are catching up to you, like how all the other tributes run you down. Unfortunately, the other tributes are not coming to ask what your Starbucks order is, they are coming to introduce you to Mr. Stabbington.
The MMA fighter:
Your hands are registered as lethal weapons, and you might just be able to do the backflipping somersaulting roundhouse kick. You are a terror at the cornucopia, you do not go for the weapons, you go for the tributes. By the end, your lethal weapons are covered in blood and you are glad you went through all that training. Unfortunately, because of that training, you scoff at the very real weapons around you. Eventually, you find it hard to scoff when an arrow is buried in your chest.
The Theatre Kid:
You are trained in stage combat, your vocals are practically a sonic weapon, and you know you are putting on the biggest show of your life. This is your theater and you are the Demon Barber of Fleet Street. The game gets off to a great start: you pick up a rapier, you are trained in it, and most importantly, it does not clash with your costume. You kill your first opponent by quoting The Princess Bride until they get distracted by your words and stage combat training letting you stick them through the heart. You join a group of other tributes and everything is going well until you act out your part in Sweeney Todd one too many times. But hey, strangulation in your sleep is not worth death.
The Body Builder:
It turns out that being able to crush rocks with your bare hands helps when put into a death game. Then, you discover that by flexing your abs you can deflect arrows. Some of your prey pray for their lives, but you tell them they should have spent more time in the temple of gains. You die three days in from protein powder withdrawal.
Fantasy Book Readers:
You know the most about The Hunger Games, you have got a strategy, you know every outcome and every weapon. That is why you know it is a bastard sword and not a great sword that gets buried halfway through your chest.