By Coach Bonus
Intramural hockey is all about camaraderie, competition, and, most importantly, Instagram beef. But let’s be honest: most of these so-called “fights” have been pretty weak. A little chirping in the DMs, a shove or two on the ice coupled with some jersey pulling, and then everyone just skates away? Embarrassing if you ask me. If you’re going to do it, do it right. Follow these five steps to ensure your next intramural hockey fight is one for the history books.
- Pick Your Opponent Wisely
Not all enemies are created equal. If you challenge the wrong person, you risk being ignored, embarrassed, or worst of all — met with genuine confusion when they don’t even know who you are. The ideal opponent is someone who will actually engage, this could look like a guy who has already racked up 10+ penalty minutes this season and posts a black-and-white photo of his gloves with the caption “Time to get to work” on his Instagram story. If they have a mullet, even better.
- Stir the pot
A good hockey fight doesn’t just come out of nowhere; it is carefully cultivated through days of petty online squabbling. Why let the game speak for itself? Start with some subtle chirps in the comment section of their team’s post. Progress to posting some of their worst plays on your team’s Instagram story with three skulls as the caption. If you’re feeling bold, call them out directly. You need the entire league to be aware of the impending violence, so when that moment finally comes, there’s already a crowd in the stands with their phone cameras at the ready.
- Drop the Gloves (Dramatically)
Gear up and get ready for the game, just be sure to wear your visor and not your cage, you don’t want to look like a coward. The opening faceoff is your Oscar moment. You don’t just drop the gloves — you reveal your intention with grace. Maybe you toss them off with a flourish, or maybe you let them slide off your hands like you just remembered your true purpose in life; the choice is yours. Bonus points if you add an aggressive “Let’s go” or the classic, “You want some of this?” (even though, let’s be honest, you don’t). But remember, timing is everything — drop them too soon, and you look desperate. Wait too long, and the ref will have already stepped in to remind you that, technically, this is not the NHL.
- Commit to the Bit
Nobody respects a half-assed brawl, you have to sell it now. No weak shoving, no awkward circling like two cats who just met in an alley. If you don’t know how to throw a punch (and you probably don’t), at least get a solid jersey grab going. Tug dramatically. Shake them like an old vending machine that just ate your toonie. If you’re both struggling, just lean into it — everyone loves a fight that ends with two guys tripping over each other like a scene from a bad rom-com.
- Know When to Stop
Every legendary fight comes to an end. Maybe the ref pulls you two apart just as things are heating up. Maybe you both dramatically tumble to the ice, and your lips get a little too close in what will forever be known as “The Incident.” Or maybe, you both realize mid-brawl that you actually respect each other and end things by parting ways with a solemn nod, setting up a lifelong rivalry for next season. Whatever the case, don’t let it go on for too long. Getting banned from intramural hockey means you’re just a regular student with regular responsibilities, and really, what could be worse than that?
