By: D$
When Mt. St. A announced that it was going to be switching the food provider that supplies Jailing’s Dining Hall last year, students were rightfully angry. The transition was a mess. Long-time dining hall employees faced job insecurity, and the administration’s vague emails about the “exciting new dining experience” did little to calm fears. Many students protested the decision, worried that the change would result in the same low-quality food but with fewer familiar faces behind the counter.
And in a twist that shocked absolutely no one, they were right.
The food quality has somehow remained exactly the same, right down to the persistent outbreaks of mysterious, fuzzy additions to your meal. This got me wondering, maybe the mold was never a product of the food providers, maybe it comes from the building itself.
At first, I heard rumblings from my peers, suspecting that the new provider had simply taken up the sacred duty of serving questionably aged cuisine. But after a thorough investigation (conducted mostly by biochem majors armed with petri dishes and a foreboding sense of dread), a horrifying truth emerged: the mold isn’t in the food. The mold is the food.
“That would explain why I found the same strain of mold in my sandwich as I did on the ceiling of Jailing’s,” said one second-year student, who has since switched majors to environmental science in order to study what they have termed “the cafeteria’s thriving fungal democracy”.
Facilities staff, when asked for a comment, confirmed that Jailling’s Dining Hall has, in fact, become a self-sustaining ecosystem. “At this point, it’s less of a structural issue and more of a delicate balance,” one custodian admitted, glancing warily at the faintly pulsating walls. “We tried scrubbing it off, but it just grew back stronger. Last week, it started whispering to me… it– it wants me to [REDACTED]. I don’t want to, but… It says they know where my wife is, where my kids are… I have to, you understand? I’m not a bad person.”
Students have been adapting to the change the best they can. Some have turned to meal prepping, some to cooking their own meals, some have even turned to a vending machine diet. Others have chosen to embrace their fungal fate, believing that consuming the mold will make them stronger. Those who have decided to do so report that they can all communicate through “the mycelial network” and are exhibiting strange behaviours.
The University’s official stance? “This is an exciting opportunity for students to learn about resilience and adaptive eating habits,” said one spokesperson. “It will be advantageous for students to learn the style of communication the mycelial network provides. Besides, penicillin is made from mold, and that’s good for you! This experience will build character.”
The newly hired wellness coach, House M.D., has instructed students to stay away from Jailing’s for now.
With no clear solution in sight, only one thing is certain: a meal plan at Jailing’s will still cost more next year than it did this year.
