Citizens of Mount Allison, my tips have returned, not out of my own desire, but rather out of my own rage.
This is my final semester at this institution and something truly beautiful happened on my first day of classes. While sitting in a second-year psych course that I forgot to take until now, my classmates sent a powerful and moving message to our professor: “This is our house, old man. We do what we want and we don’t give a shit about your syllabus.”
This, like many of my previous sets of tips, will be a lovely, scathing, ironic guide on how to be a complete and utter tool in class. Strap in, assholes, because this one’s gonna be a real stinker.
Tip 1. Do NOT arrive on time. As Ke$ha once said so eloquently, “The party don’t start ’til I walk in.” Those are words to live by and can fully be applied to any situation. If your class starts at 11:30, you should aim to casually mosey on in around 11:40 or 11:45, especially if the only entrances are near the front of the room. Leisurely stroll across the front of the room, pausing for a moment in front of the lecturer to pick out the ideal seat, which of course is the one at the very back of the lecture hall in the middle of a well-populated row of students. Now, the alternative to this is to arrive exceptionally early and pace the hall outside of the room, occasionally peering in to see if the class before yours has decided to stop wasting your valuable time.
Tip 2. Make friends! As we all know, university is a wholly social experience. You should take time in class to talk to the folks around you, maybe about what’s going on at the front of the room or, better yet, your plans for after you get of this boring lecture. I mean, do they really expect you to sit there for a whole FIFTY minutes and actually pay any attention? That’s absurd. There are some things more important in life, like how bad Jessica’s new haircut looks or how David started smoking again. (Can you believe it? Disgusting.)
Tip 3. Be efficient! If your class ends at 12:50, you better be prepared to get the hell out of there by 12:35. There are only so many hours in a day. Your prof dedicated years upon years of their life to get where they are today and spent countless hours planning your lecture. What does that say about their time management skills? Well, I’ll tell ya: they are TERRIBLE! You’ll be making amounts of money your prof could never even imagine once you roll out of here in four years with your B.Comm. Now that’s efficient. Plus, once your career in varsity sports takes off you’ll really be in business, raking in corporate sponsorships and HUGE contractual earnings. Some dusty old professor will never understand that, so as soon as the last 15 minutes of class roll around, loudly start packing your things and putting on that Gore-Tex jacket to announce that it’s time for them to wrap this thing up. You’ve got better things to do. Roll back to Tip 2 as well: talk to your friends about how crazy it is that that guy at the front is STILL talking, doesn’t he know class ends in like, 10 minutes? What could he possibly say in 10 minutes? Literally nothing. What a waste of time. Smh.
I usually wrap these up in character but honestly this shit really pisses me off. Don’t do it. You look like a dick when you do. Have a good semester. Don’t fuck up 2020.