By Mickolas Brage
(2037, Goose Attack)
Existentialists, worry no more! Is living in sweet ignorance never enough? A brave group of Mt. St. A students have tested and officially released an algorithm that will tell users the exact time and circumstances of their death! Yippee yippee yippee yippee yippee
Developed by students in COMP 6969: Playing God, the newly-minted death algorithm is an affront to humanity with 96 per cent accuracy. The majority of discrepancies seem to be from challenges differentiating between similar deaths such as airborne minifridge collision and suffocation inside a minifridge, which the Anarchy’s sources have assured us can be confirmed by reloading the page. There also appear to be issues categorizing different deaths under the sea, as sharks have their own category but large-bodied fish such as barracuda, bluefin tuna, and piranhas are not.
The project leads have received some criticism, largely from users unhappy with the time and happening of their oncoming ends. Mary Borg, second-year Frog Girls in Stem (FGST) major, reported concern at being assigned their death on February 2030 due to ‘The Beef incident’ “Why is the B in Beef capitalized?” Borg shared with the Anarchy. “It shouldn’t be. Is Beef a proper noun? Is it a person? I’ve cut out all meat products.”
According to the algorithm, super senior Brock Hampter was supposed to die in 2019. “Fuck yeah,” was his statement.
Class instructor Dr. Biff Wellington (May 1, 2026, trampled by lamb in accordance with faulty Bear Grylls advice), oversaw the project. “I probably assigned this in a manic week,” he shared with a self-deprecating but undeniably charming laugh, “sometimes I’m up and sometimes I’m down. That week was definitely an ‘up’ week. I sold my house. I crashed my car. That’s not very relevant, but I just needed to share. Do you ever feel like you’re the only one who feels this way?”
The COMP 6969 team are currently searching for ways to monetize this abomination and have put out a call for sponsors.
