Staying warm on a snowy day: Surviving a storm

If you’re a Maritimer, harsh winter storms are simply a fact of life. For those who are fortunate enough to have grown up in a more temperate climate, and are uninitiated to the violent winter squalls that hit Sackville, here are some storm tips to prepare yourself.

Fill your bathtub up with water – Filling up your bathtub may seem like an absurd idea, but when you lose power or your pipes freeze, you will thank yourself when you can use your bathtub water to flush your toilet or wash yourself. In the event of extreme boredom, feel free to dip in, close your eyes and pretend you’re in a Caribbean resort. Or in not-Sackville. Really, imagination is key. Imagination is hope.

Stock up on storm essentials – In the event of a power outage, it is essential to stock up on flashlights and candles. If you have oil heating, make sure you have enough to get you through the storm. If you are a human, stock up on #stormchips. If you lose internet, make sure you have at least six Adam Sandler comedies downloaded. If you believe in life after love, please just write Cher. She needs this.

Bring your pets indoors – This should be obvious. Look at your cat. Look at how tiny it is. Do you think it can survive a snowfall taller than it is? Do you think something so puny can survive temperatures so low? Shame on you. Cuddling is also key, just like imagination. Cuddling is hope.


‘Buddy’ up – Staying indoors all day can get boring, but braving the storm with the friend makes it ten times more fun! Buddies don’t have to be platonic. Sex with a buddy is better than sex without a buddy.

Wear ski goggles – Why not look like a badass?

Lie to your parents – Your parents love and care about you, therefore this tip is of the utmost importance. They don’t want to know that their little cuddlebug is facing a snowpocalypse. They don’t need to hear that their precious darling is risking hypothermia and starvation if properly impaired. Actually, one second, I need to make a phone call…

Call your landlord – If you have problems with your home, make sure you let your landlord know ahead of time. Get your windows fixed. Any heating problems should be looked at. Have them look at your toaster. Can they change the oil in your car? Have them connect you to American Netflix. Does this look like a rash to you? Get your money’s worth.

Make a big deal on social media – This is very important. You’re trapped inside with no one around! You need attention. Also, you don’t know if your friends have looked outside their windows. Be the hero they deserve. Go out on a limb and hit “Send All” on your Twitter drafts folder!

Burn this centrefold for heat – Feel free to throw in the rest of the issue, too.

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