By your mom
Big Mac’s top-ranked undergraduate university, Mt. St. A, is pleased to announce the following adjustments to our accessibility and inclusivity policies:
Accountability is now optional! Here at Mt. St. A, we realize that some students just do not care about school. To account for this, we have prohibited the inclusion of attendance and participation in grading criteria. Also, professors are now required to distribute their tests beforehand, so students who have not set foot in the classroom since the first day of classes will have an equal opportunity at success!
Lectures must be recorded and posted to Moodle, along with any accompanying slides, because it is unfair to ask students to attend the classes they are paying thousands of dollars for, or to go to office hours to talk about missed material. Students should not have to chase their professors, take accountability faculty!
Pop quizzes are prohibited, especially those that do not affect your grade. They are a blatant attack against students who did not do the reading, and it unjustly singles them out. Having a professor aware that they have been lying about doing the reading is threatening and fosters an unsafe learning environment!
There will be no more discussing politics in the classroom. We acknowledge the danger of free speech and open discussion, and we will not stand for the corruption of students. Critical thinking is a danger to blind obedience and the preservation of prejudices.
There will be no more white male professors. Here at Mt. St. A, we pride ourselves on diversity and inclusion, and therefore plan to obtain a faculty and staff composed solely of minorities by the 2025–2026 academic year. We ask that all white male professors reveal their sexuality and gender assigned at birth so we may start the purge.
We take the well-being of our students very seriously. As a result, we will be initiating a campus watch group to help enforce these new policies. For those looking to get involved, please email [email protected]. Take care and stay safe out there!
