Bruhhhhhhh
By Jay-Zed
In a shocking turn of events, Dicky’s has been bought out by new American owners.
In an interview with the Anarchy, now former owner Al Koholik said “as soon as I realized we could charge cover in USD, it was a no brainer.”
The bar plans to undergo various changes, with the most pressing being the renaming of the business. “We’re proud to announce Dicky’s is now Eagle’s,” says new owner Sam Oncle. “We are honoured to bring American and Canadian traditions together, by getting underage college students drunk on SourPuss.”
Oncle also stated Eagle’s will be implementing a border crossing at the door for waiting patrons, aiming to reduce wait-times and crowding.
Beers and ciders from Gagtown Brewery will now be subject to an additional tariff, the sum of which is dependent on “vibe.” A student we asked about the change said “I don’t care, I’ll keep drinking that garbage anyways.”
Changes additionally will be felt in music selection, as music played by Dj Eel must now be “lowkirkenuinely based.” A student asked about the changes remarked, “Now I can finally dress how I want at Country Night and hopefully meet a God fearing woman.”
Eagle’s will be closed from 6/7 to 6/9 to undergo renovations.