Interviews with the mall’s finest patrons
By Son of a Birch
The Scamherst Centre Mall really lives up to its name. A complete and utter scam. With a parking lot the size of three football fields, one would think the mall is a place to spend an entire day. However, its lack of stores make it a great place only if you like concrete islands. For backrooms enthusiasts across the Maritimes, Scamherst Centre Mall is a top-tier bucket list location. To get the inside scoop on the mall, Anarchy reporters took to the scene to interview those who know the mall best: the ghosts of Scamherst Centre Mall.
As we arrive on the scene, the dim lighting with occasional flickering feels like something out of a Scream movie. A small coin-operated carousel with chipped paint is the only welcoming sign upon entering the mall. It would be a wonder if the machine still works. Upon closer examination of the carousel, the first ghost came into view, sitting on one of the horses.
“A-yup name’s Jim, I was one of the original staff here when the mall opened in ‘81. I was employee of the month at the Kfart for a whole four consecutive years, competition was real tough with all zero other employees. But that didn’t stop me, no way bud. When the mall owners announced Kfart was closing ‘98, I said, ‘I will die on this linoleum tile before I let this store close.’ Well… yuh I just withered away as the store was officially vacated. Only thing now is I’m stuck here for the rest of my death. Man, I wish there was more to do here.”
After offering Jim some halfhearted words of encouragement and a failed pat on the back, Anarchy crew proceeded through the eerie hallway in search of a storefront that had not been barred shut. Well, if it isn’t Canada’s favourite place to get food poisoning: Gargantuan Leopard. This location really fits the vibe of the Scamherst Centre Mall with its cracked floor tiles, yet blinding fluorescent lighting and disgusting mustard-coloured walls. Upon investigating further, a glimmer of light shines within the freezer section. The second ghost slips through the freezer door and out into the aisle.
“My name’s Bob. I used to be the top customer at the ol’ Slim Horton’s here before this god-awful store was built over it. That’s friggin right, bud. This place used to be the talk of the town. Before the Stealvings took over the Maritimes, Tim’s was the best thing to happen to Canada. This place used to have all the best stuff: blueberry donuts, bread bowls, pretzel bagel sandwiches…Oh sorry, bud, what’s that? These don’t exist anymore?! Tim’s has really fallen off since my death. Oh yeah, we had all the best stuff in the early 2000s.”
Bob went on to discuss his death (eating too many blueberry fritters) and proceeded to give details of his entire extended family. However, The Anarchy had to cut off the interview in a combination of utter boredom and fear of becoming Scamherst ghosts ourselves.
The Scamherst Centre Mall certainly is a mall of all time. Its countless closed and boarded storefronts make it a great place to loiter and contemplate what level of boredom brought you here in the first place.