Dreaded highway bridge now replaced with jump ramp
By Son of a Birch
After years of Nova Scotians whining about their drive home across the Scamherst highway bridge, the Town of Scamherst has finally taken action. In an interview with Mayor Knob Tall, he explained “it is time these losers gave it a rest. I get so many complaints about this disaster of a bridge, I have nightmares in my sleep.” When asked how funding was achieved to alter the bridge, Tall said “do not think too hard about it, I had to demolish 20 or so local businesses, but it was worth it.”
Anarchy staff visited the new site to get the latest on the bridge’s progress. What once was a complete, yet decaying bridge, is now two disjoined large ramps. With its neon orange colouring and 12-story-high ramps, it looks like something one would see from the latest Hot Wheels design or a monster truck rally. A Honda Fit was witnessed careening over the jump at a speed of what looked like 150 km/h, yet just missing the landing and knocking its front bumper off.
In an effort to make sense of this latest bombshell of a development, The Anarchy also visited the N.B./N.S. weight scale. The staff member at the window, who has requested to remain anonymous, appeared to be absolutely starved for social interaction and nearly jumped a meter in the air as he was approached. He noted that his job has become significantly easier, “there’s just hardly any trucks now.” We took a walk to the field beside the ramp and noticed an appalling trash heap of the worst carnage ever witnessed, from burnt, broken tires to smashed trailers and bent exhaust pipes. The weigh scale staff said, “I am not sure why they aren’t able to make it over the ramp; it seems like some kind of skill issue.” When asked how the weight scale staff pass their now-abundant free time, he said “I am not sure what to do actually. Yesterday I made it to the end of Instagram Reels, didn’t think it was possible, but here we are”.
When The Anarchy returned to Ballsackville, students had already begun to rally for change. Sixth-year student, Ben Dover, noted that he would be stuck in N.B. for “the rest of my life.” He explained in an interview that his manual 2005 Honda Civic is “not able to climb hills, much less clear a jump ramp.” In a display of tears, he noted he would never be able to make it home to Hellifax. Another interviewee, Jenna Talia, expressed her frustration with not being able to access Scamherst’s “state-of-the-art” commercial district. “With the atrocious grocery stores in Ballsackville, The Incompetent, and Hoe-bys, I’ve always gone to Appal-Mart and the Atlantic Stupidstore to avoid paying 6 G’s for my weekly food”
It seems everyone on either side of the Scamherst border has realized a valuable lesson. Sometimes driving through 70 potholes is worth it when the alternative requires attaching a rocket thruster to one’s car for any chance of survival.