Mt. St. A announces new accommodations for senior students
By: Dula Peep
It is no secret that Mt. St. A has been facing a student housing crisis for a long time now. As the upper years tussle it out on 300-person long waitlists for apartments, and each residence is overstuffed with teenagers, something had to be done. As of last week, Mt. St. A announced a solution: a seniors home for the seniors. You heard it here first, folks, as of next year, the fourth-years will be placed not in a house, but a home. Instead of dons and RAs, this new establishment will be overseen by nurses, simultaneously solving the healthcare and housing problems on campus in one fell swoop.
This new complex will seek to amend many of the difficulties faced by students who are nearing graduation. Too many long nights at the library? No problem! There will be a mandatory 8:30 p.m. curfew. Complaints about not having enough third spaces to soak up the time remaining with friends? Check out teatime and knitting nights in the lounge. And don’t forget about activities! Sex-toy bingo will be substituted for regular bingo, and power-hour has been replaced with a power-walking club. And yes, the institution will be pet friendly (but only cats, and a minimum of five per student).
“Back in my day, Harper wasn’t even open yet!” rambled one fourth-year, when questioned about the new development project. “And they used to give out Hydroflasks to anyone who wanted one. And the flower shop was green, and the coffee shop didn’t even exist yet. And we wore masks to class, and Club Q was open every weekend and —” Continued the student, before wandering away to go tell anyone that will listen that they have had the BEST FOUR YEARS EVER and they are going to MISS EVERYONE SO MUCH NEXT YEAR.