Tedi Buffett - The Anarchy

 Aunt Harry’s pool table:

Aunt Harry’s pool table passed away peacefully on Facebook marketplace in the fall. A staple for competitive drunks, the loss will be felt throughout the community. 

The pool table will be sadly missed by 16 balls and a few broken sticks. She is also survived by six lottery machines and their accompanying townies.

The players were always the pool table’s top priority. She will be best remembered for her free price and holiness (both on the table and the surrounding walls).

Remembrances in the pool table’s memory may be made to the bar, where mourners can subsequently take a shot. 

Services of Celebration and Thanks are held every night at Aunt Harry’s.


Junkings Free Meals:

Hungry upper-year vigilantes succumbed to their crimes this winter as the Junkings card scanner received an update.

Born each year when students move from residence and give up their meal plans, this rebel group faced a loss this year as their borrowed first-year cards betrayed their trust.

Sneaking into Junkings will be sadly missed by all. Feeding students was the group’s top priority. Their favorite pastimes included negotiating card rentals, filling jacket pockets with cookies, and taking bags of bagels to go. 

Condolences can be made at Junkings Dining Hall from 7 a.m. to 11 p.m. Monday to Friday. To enter the service, mourners are instructed to avoid eye contact as they pass the scanner, acting like they are returning from the bathroom. 


Dicky’s two dollar door cover:

A loving partner to many in the Ballsackville community, the recent loss of Dicky’s two dollar door cover is increasingly felt. 

The cover passed away peacefully Friday night due to complications from fundraising. 

Dicky’s two-dollar cover is survived by his partner; the stamp, sons; JD Nai and football players, and many friends.

The two-dollar cover enjoyed his hobbies of accepting fake ids, hoarding toonies, and letting over the capacity enter. 

Remembrances in the two-dollar cover’s memory may be made at the Dicky’s door Friday and Saturday nights in the form of five dollars.

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