A guide for universities: How to assemble the greatest president

Grab a seat, and listen close for the best way to burn 300K in a needless bonfire
Kaya Panthier - Argosy Illustrations Editor

Step One: First, you’re going to need a tool to look with. If you can find a magnifying glass, that might work. No guarantee, though.

Step Two: Next, put on your best outfit, grab your binoculars, and get ready to go into the world! 

Step Three: While you’re out and about, look for people who sound convincing! They don’t need any background in teaching, a business background will do just fine.

Step Four: Now that you’ve found an individual who looks like they studied consulting at Harvard Business school, you’re going to need to source the finest Italian suit in the whole wide world, and maybe a Cuban cigar. A glass of scotch would complete the look, for sure. 

Step Five: Great! The next president has been found, and suited up. You’re going to want to make sure this individual is ethical…. a sure and true way to get the best results possible is to cut the crap, and give it to ‘em straight… try asking, “what are your views on divesting?” If they say, “no, thank you.” They might be the right fit, but, if they completely dance around the question, that’s an on-spot hire! 

Step Six: Just to be sure, ask around. If they got an offer from University of Toronto, there’s no way a small liberal undergraduate university could match that. 

Step Seven: If all else fails, you might have to give up, and accept the least popular, most wealthiest guy on the board.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Related Articles