Shitty things our relatives said this Christmas

“I think there aren’t as many Christmas lights this year because of the Asians.”

“I think it’s funny that people were protesting over Ferguson, when OJ Simpson murdered two people and nobody protested after that.”

“Don’t learn German; my father got paid to kill those guys!”

“I don’t buy the goose. I just get it to follow me it into my shed with corn. Then I shoot it. I’m allowed to – it’s trespassing.”

On seeing a windstorm in Lawrence of Arabia: “Funny that there could be wind when there are no trees.”

“We can’t eat yet. We need to wait for the Presbyterians.” “But nobody likes them!”

“I would like to not have to explain to your great aunt why the gingerbread men have 3D boobs.”

“I was just looking up how to know the right kind of toad to lick, and found this religion called The Church of the Toad of Light!”

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