How to have (terrible) sex like famous (white, male) authors

William Shakespeare

While alone, perform an elaborate soliloquy to no one in particular lamenting an absence of sexual relationships in your life. Fall irrevocably in love with the next person you meet, and remain ironically oblivious to an overly complicated tale of woe unfolding around you. Whenever you have sex with your new partner, banter playfully back and forth with each other in poetic verse. Use elaborate pet names for each other, such as “Thou spirited, eye-charming sex-pumpkin!” and “O fanciful, skin-pleasing bum-beauty!” Kill your best friend in a duel because they poisoned your lover because their honour was besmirched. After everyone else is dead, follow suit by falling on your own sword.

Ernest Hemingway

Buy a .50 caliber elephant rifle, a pack of cigarettes, and a bottle of scotch to help you bask in your white manliness. In between solitary hunting and backpacking trips, drink to excess and glare at the scotch for daring to try and make you feel things. Imagine yourself as the last person on the planet and blame women for this, but respect the earth for letting you stay. Don’t actually ever have any sex, but internalize an immense sexual frustration to appear deep and meaningful. There is a single white tree in a yellow field; try to relate to it.

Herman Melville

Embark on a naval journey to scour the planet for the largest, thickest, whitest penis the world has to offer. Gradually descend into madness as you do so, and get your entire crew worked up about how incredibly amazing this penis will be to behold once you find it. To assist in your search, study and document the etymology of the word “penis”, and conduct extensive research regarding the differing biological categories and characteristics of the world’s penises. Once you finally encounter what you are looking for, attack it with harpoons to assert your heterosexuality.

Samuel Beckett

[Darkish room. Greyness everywhere. White doors on every wall. Floor completely covered in sand. A large metal machine sits in the centre of the room. A single beam of light shines on the machine. Enter YOUR LOVER, who slowly shuffles to stand directly in front of the machine. Pale, bald. Ratty clothes.]

YOUR LOVER: [Long pause. Fixed gaze, droning voice, lifeless.] Ah yes. It is time. Time for the sex. The time in which we engage in the sex. Time no longer exists. [Pause.] Meaning no longer exists. Sex no longer has meaning. But we must have it. [Pause.] We must. [Enter YOU. Stand motionlessly side by side.]

YOU: [Quietly and with finality.] Yes. [Long pause. Machine sputters to life.]


John Keats

Fall asleep under a tree at night. In your dream, have sex with several different Greek and Roman Gods and Goddesses. If you cannot tell if the experience is real, that is good; it means you are a visionary.

William Wordsworth

Wander a few miles out from your country cottage and masturbate by a lake.

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Take opium, then wander a few miles out from your country cottage and masturbate by a lake.

Lord Byron

Casually engage in numerous sexual affairs with married people of all genders, all the while exuding a cynical and arrogant bravado to conceal dark emotional secrets and appear more intriguing to the public. If anyone denounces you as a misogynist, defend yourself by claiming it adds to your depth of character.

Henry David Thoreau

Ask a friend if you can borrow an axe and squat on their land for a weekend. Go there, chop down tons of trees, and fashion them into a romantic cabin for two. Invite your partner to your new cabin, and when they arrive, cook them a hearty meal of barley, beans, and raw woodchuck. If they ask why the meal is so bland, tell them that simplicity is preferable to embellishment, and that it brings people closer to nature. Philosophize together about how society sucks until you are both thoroughly aroused, and then have passionate sex in the dirt to build character. Later, write down every detail about your sexual experience in a book so you can publish and sell it, even though you hate money. Return to civilization with your lover and become a neck-beard enthusiast.

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