Dear Mt. St. A: Give the gays a sport

Reasons why Mt. St. A should replace football with competitive gay walking

Mt. St. A has not been a very slay university when it comes to sports for people in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. One sport in particular should be replaced, if not for the sake of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, then for the sake of every person trying to walk with purpose on campus. 


The sport in question that should be replaced is football. Football is old and overused. My proposed 2SLGBTQIA+ sport is new, and never-before seen. Plus, football players, why do you walk on sidewalks so slowly, and why do you form a defensive line so people are unable to pass you? For people whose whole job is running and tackling men, it seems like you’re not focusing on running. The one you choose to focus on seems pretty homoerotic when you think about it.

Introducing: Competitive Gay Walking. I propose this sport be declared the university’s main varsity sport. Have you ever been out and seen a duo of one straight person and one gay person walking? The poor straight friend is always struggling to keep up. Gay walkers make Usain Bolt look slow. Once in competition, you are not able to walk any slower than the beat per minute of a Beyoncé song or you are out. If your knee raises above a ninety-degree angle, you are out. 


This sport is a solution to both problems. Now there will be a sport dedicated to the gays, and it also gets rid of the nuisance of defensive football lines on the sidewalks. Not only will the gays be able to be freely participate in a dedicated sport, but now people will no longer have to fear getting stuck behind agonizingly slow lines of football men.

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