What to do when you get chest pains after 4p.m. and Google swears you’re dying
By: Akiki
Imagine this, it is a random Thursday night. You are halfway through a large bowl of spicy ghost pepper wings and questioning your life choices.Then all of a sudden, a notification pops up from your Microsoft Outlook. “Crap!’’ Your econ midterm grades just came in. Suzanne texts: she had a 90. You look at yours… 37. 37!!! I mean that’s better than you expected but 37!!! Your palms start to sweat and your chest tightens. No seriously, It ACTUALLY tightens!. You reach for your phone again, this time to call 911 and that’s when you see it; 4:01 p.m. The hospital is closed and it is literally illegal to be sick after 4p.m in Ballsackville. That’s when you realise that you are alone with your half empty large bowl of spicy ghost pepper wings, your midterm trauma, and stupid Suzanne’s 90 grade flex. You start panicking, you can’t call the cops, you cannot go to the hospital, and you definitely CAN’T call Suzanne! You have three options.
Option One: Be in denial. I mean it is not really a big deal. You literally ate half a large bowl of spicy wings and just got your midterm grades. This is a completely valid reaction. But, no! You are too dramatic to let it end that easily. Now you are monitoring every movement in your body like it’s breaking news. Sitting up straight. Breathing manually. Staying “calm”… but also ready for anything.
Option Two: Open Google, search up your symptoms and accept your fate. Oh! While you are at it, you might as well start making preparations for your funeral. Make sure you pick a nice picture for the ceremony… ( Not the one from 2020 though).
Option Three: Talk about it with your bestie. No… not Suzanne. Be for real. You’re talking about ChatGPT obviously… You type: “Is it normal for my chest to hurt after eating spicy wings and seeing my awful exam score?” And it replies: “The way you feel is absolutely valid. Experiencing chest discomfort after a stressful event combined with a large bowl of spicy wings, can be a bit overwhelming…” You stop reading. “A BIT?!” No way your life threatening situation just got rubbished and dismissed as if it was a mild inconvenience.
At this point, you don’t even argue. You just sit there… thinking… because unfortunately, it’s making sense. You decide to just go with option two and accept your fate. After all, even if it does not kill you,… your parents definitely will either way. You slowly proceed with your funeral preparations.