Hey baddies! Get ready for a long-awaited event hosted this year by Mt. St. A’s Student Union, the ASSU, at the RuPaul Bell Library. In a sudden change of heart, hundreds of conservative politicians across North America have decided that drag is not only the way to go, but a necessity in life. “Sorry to all those offended by my past opinions. I am a changed gurl now,” says Texas Senator, now known as Ted Cancún, “when I was partying with my President, Madonna Tramp, he started blasting “Crazy in Love” by Beyoncé, and I could not help but throw it back for my Texas queen.” Canadian MP and former transphobe now using the stage name Maxxx Burn-ier also apologized for his past statements saying, “tout le monde, I was wrong. When walking around in Montreal, I accidentally wandered into a drag show and the dancers were kind enough to give me a lap dance! Now, I’m rollin’ with the LGBT.”
Cancún and Burn-ier are two of the contestants who will participate in North America’s drag show finale. The show, with a two night premiere from April 12–13, will feature three rounds: costume building, runway strut, and the fan-favorite lip-sync battle! The show’s two sponsors, the newly dubbed Kamala Paris and Just-in-time Trudeau, wanted to give the RuPaul Bell Library one last big show before its renovations.
Judged by the queen of drag herself, along with other special guests, it is going to be an exciting weekend and a stress reliever from all that exam studying! (Who even uses the library in early April anyway?) Without further ado, let’s introduce a few of this year’s finalists from each region!
Rhonda Santis: Hot and Sweaty Region
It was a close competition in the Hot and Sweaty region when Florida Governor — and now drag superstar — Rhonda Santis edged out the Georgia Representative going by Marjorie Taylor Pink to claim a spot in this year’s finale. Rhonda’s choice to wear an outfit inspired by the Georgia peach was risky given that Marjorie Taylor Pink is from Georgia. However, this risk paid off as the Florida governor received a perfect 10 in all rounds, and sent Marjorie Taylor Pink on that midnight train back to Georgia. Rhonda was ecstatic in her post-win interview saying, “unlike my law that passed a few years back, my performance had everyone in the audience saying gay! Ballsackville, y’all better watch out because Rhonda Santis is coming in hot (and sweaty).”
Pierre ‘Big P’ Poilievre: True, North, Strong and Freak Region
In the True, North, Strong, and Freak Region, Pierre— now ‘Big P’ — Poilievre topped Ontario’s Premier Queen, Douggystyle Ford. While wearing his “Back the Blue” outfit, Big P danced his little conservative snowflake heart out to “Criminal” by Fiona Apple. His “Back the Blue” outfit featured tight butt-ass navy pants, a pink sheriff’s badge, and three semi-automatic rifles strapped to his chest (no bodycams added of course). As Big P looks to bring it home, he faces tough competition from the hometown queen, Belinda Higgs, who is willing to do “literally whatever it takes” to win this October’s provincial election. “I’ll wave that rainbow flag while shaking that old saggy ass of mine if that means I can get the student vote,” says Belinda, “Mt. St. A, bring that energy for your premier this April!”
Damn-ielle Smith: Rocky and Bumpy Region
After a highly contested result, Alberta Premier, and new drag queen, Damn-ielle Smith penetrated all hope left of her predecessor, J-Sin Kenney to claim victory in the Rocky Road Region. It was a huge shock to everyone when they saw Damn-ielle Smith compete on Drag Race given her recent anti-trans policies (booooo). “Hey girls and gays, I want y’all to know that my past beliefs were huge mistakes. How about I make it up to you by serving it up to Lady Gaga and we forget that ever happened!” In a roar of applause, Edmonton’s crowd was on their feet, but not Damn-ielle Smith who broke her ankle trying to step into a pair of heels. “Guys, don’t make fun of me, nobody asked me to prom, my husband left me on my wedding day, and I am literally a conservative so I have never had glam in my life.” Thankfully, Damn-ielle was able to finish out her performance to a drag anthem, “I Will Survive” and secured her spot as a finalist.
These conservative competitors are just a few of those competing for the top prize: free construction of 100 fracking facilities, a chance to demolish an abortion clinic of their choice, and Ultra-Christian ideology to be added to the school curriculum!
No matter who ends up on top or bottom of this competition, what we do know is that it will be an exhilarating ride for all of the finalists, and the entire university is encouraged to watch this once-in-a-lifetime show. Mt. St. A students can buy their tickets courtesy of the ASSU for the small price of $300 each. So get ready to watch your favorite conservatives and former homophobes of today’s time lip-sync for their lives here at the RuPaul Bell Library!
