The Sheeple Show

Running in the nineteenth Firefox tab of a computer near you

Welcome back, dear readers, to your weekly glimpse of the real (i.e. not fake AF) news. If you have a brain and any quality resembling wokedness, you may have noticed some strange occurrences in our world today. From computer science “professors” using Internet Explorer to browse the World Wide Web to the conservatory being shaped like a giant fidget spinner (seriously, Google Maps that shit), even our campus is teeming with unusual occurrences. We’ve been keeping you in the loop on the true goings-on here, but what if the truth is only the simulated truth? A bit of an abrupt turn around, but bear with us.

There’s been a theory floating around in some of the more open-minded – and even academic – circles that we are in fact living our lives inside a simulation. All we have to do is assume a few things:

1) That it’s technologically possible: Frankly, if Doc Brown can make a time machine out of a DeLorean – a car that’s in the shop every 20 kilometres – I think some billionaire Silicon Valley “eccentric” with too much time on their hands could make a pretty convincing copy of Earth, complete with self-aware bits of ones and zeros.

2) That people want to simulate crap: This is pretty much a given. How often do you sit at home wondering, “What would happen if I told the person I like that I like them?” or, more importantly, “What would happen if I wrote articles for the Argosy instead of, I don’t know, going outside, meeting people and having ‘real’ human interactions?”

3) That there are a lot of simulations: They’re just like the wireless printers that mess up the residence wifi – bet you can’t have just one! *cough* *cough* TURN IT OFF.

So assuming simulations are possible, wanted and plentiful, we’re more likely in one than not… so there’s that, I guess. (You can Google the math, it’s pretty trippy.) What if everything you’ve ever said or done was just a line of code – in the case of getting stuck in a race car baby swing in Grade 4, a surprisingly embarrassing and traumatizing line of code? It doesn’t stop there though…

With great technology comes great responsibility. What if you realized you were in a simulation and found a way to change the source code? The world would be your oyster! You could download kung fu into your brain, Matrix-style. Or, a humble KGB agent could become the unquestioned leader of a global superpower. Change a one to a zero and the outcome of an election is changed (no pesky bribing and ballot-stuffing required). You could be prime minister/president/wherever they moved the power to because of term limits.… and don’t think this trick only works in Russia – how about that 2016 election, though?

So keep your eyes peeled for anything too far out of the ordinary – someone might be using the real life hacks. If you suspect something, feel free to drop us a line at [email protected].

As always, stay woke, sheeple.


Contributed by: Tay-tay, dawg, you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself & why is this crossword so impossible?!

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