Welcome! Prospective students to Mt. St. A will find joy and delight in their university experience. In order to prepare for the working world, Mt. St. A has developed a two-tiered system for residence, introducing classism on campus. If you get the south side, too bad. Fuck you, try for Twinksor or Shambell Hall, where everyone normal lives. If you get stuck on the bad side of campus, you can always say, “at least it’s not Wedwards,” unless you live there. Sucks to be you. At least you are not in Big-Gay-Low, where the state mandates at least 5 fire alarms per semester just have to ring. Which you have to leave the building, even though you know your suitemate is just vaping in their room again. Escape authoritarian rule, like not being able to smoke your aforementioned vape, by beginning your quest to find off-campus residence. But, first year, that can be a second year problem, like most issues you will come across.
At Mt. St. A your money can only go so far. Like at Junkings. Who likes to pay thousands of dollars for cooked chicken? Enjoy an immersive biology lap on the effects of bacteria! The thousands you are paying in tuition are going to buy a singular $15,000 item of office furniture at the library, which is for one person to use, so you can feel like you are living in the lap of luxury while cramming the night before a test worth what seems like 99.999% of your mark. If you feel down on the results of your tests and exams, just remember that there are commerce and economics students who still manage to fail their courses too.
Schoolwork getting you down? Well, you are in luck. Most Friday and Saturday nights are meant for getting absolutely plastered. Like, obscenely so. Out of liquor? Just steal some from an acquaintance you made at O-Week. In fact, your imagination can help extend your party even longer! By developing other cute names for other days of the week, like Thirsty Thursday, you have now made it socially acceptable to drink outside of the weekend. Getting sloshed on whatever combination of soda and hard liquor that you can, in the name of comradery and bonding, is the way to go. Mixes like warm Coke and backwash-infused vodka are sure to get whatever party you are at going. If you have not considered quitting drinking for the rest of your life by the second semester, you fucked up big time.
Now, for the second semester, the concept of ‘locking-in’ becomes of the utmost importance. What they do not tell you during O-Week is that Mt. St. A is not all fun, games, and whatever new single Dula Peep put out blared on a loudspeaker. There are two paths for you, brave first-year, you can either become a reclusive stoner who swears by their newfound ‘sobriety’ or do the schoolwork you are literally paying thousands for. Shockingly, there is more to university than parties and being the worst.
