Mt. St. A has recently announced that they are launching a new residence program for students. The new residence program is only 10 times the cost of a current single room, amounting to $60,000 per academic year (which is a steal at that price). The so-called on-campus residence is only 100 miles from Junkings Dining Hall, which allows students to efficiently have their meals within a short distance. If they start walking from their residence to Junkings 24 hours before said meal, then they can conveniently dine.
The “What are you going to do otherwise, bitch?” the residence program provides students with more features than other residences currently offer. In this option, you share a room with 20 other students in a 6.5 square metre room. Mt. St. A shows their commitment to sustainability by placing 20 students in a single room. By not building new buildings, Mt. St. A reduces resource consumption, preserves ecosystems, saves energy, minimizes waste, and mitigates urban sprawl, contributing to a more sustainable approach to urban development. So if you have a problem with this residence program, it’s the equivalent to saying, “I hate the environment.”
Expanding on the room arrangements, instead of supplying each student a bed, you will be taped to the wall each night by the Residence Assistant (RA). After sleeping the night, the RA will come back and untape you at 6 a.m. sharp. Mt. St. A quotes, “Taping and un-taping from RAs is charged separately with each instance costing $1500. Therefore, if you are fucking broke you are going to be stuck on the wall for a long-ass time.” However, this just showcases Mt. St. A’s economic concern for their students. By pressuring you to pay $1500 dollars to get taped and untaped by the RA they are urging students towards economic liberation to make them millionaires in the future. By being pressured to make $1500 like this, you never know how high one student might reach. I do know one student who reached a certain height in-fact, and that’s because the RA hasn’t untaped him for 1 month, so he’s still on the ceiling. Mt. St. A is literally taking you to new heights, and keeping you there.
The residence rooms do not have any ventilation, as there are no windows. There are just black coloured walls around the room with a light that works for two hours a day, again showcasing their respect for sustainability and energy conservation. They are also training students on teamwork, as you have to work out which two hours the lights should stay on throughout the day with your 19 other roommates in this 6.5 square meters room. How exciting! Did I mention that there’s no windows? …Yes. I did. This is so that no amount of wind from Ballsackville can enter your room. How thoughtful of Mt. St. A. Just imagine the non-ventilated smell of a room with 19 other college students!
