Sharp Reviews: ‘ThanksKilling’

A haunting, deeply terrible, no good, very bad movie that haunts me to this day. Spare yourself.

I can confirm that the phrase “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here” is, as Dante said, inscribed above the gates of hell. How do I know? I was there. From 7:00 p.m. until about 8:30. But he failed to mention the pillars which support the ceiling of hell – they are endless, and without them hell would collapse and the dead would rise again. Those pillars are DVDs of ThanksKilling. Hell is ThanksKilling. You’re a murderer? You have to watch ThanksKilling. Thief? ThanksKilling. You lied to your grandpa? ThanksKilling. Move over fire and brimstone – ThanksKilling has taken your job. Sisyphus misses his boulder; he wants to push it up the hill again and again and again for eternity. Why? Because he doesn’t want to watch ThanksKilling again. And Lucifer? He is a Turkey. A Turkey with an attitude. Please help me. I am so lost.

Why was this movie made? There are no characters. Was it the Turkey? Screenwriters, if you’re reading this, please tell me – did the Turkey appear to you in your dreams? Did he demand to be created? Did he threaten to kill your family? I am sorry, but you should have resisted, for now the Turkey is real – he exists in our minds and in our hearts. He’s laughing at us, calling us ableist slurs. Why is he so fowl? Why don’t the characters in this movie notice he’s a Turkey? Why does that one man seem genuinely excited at the prospect of fucking the Turkey? Perhaps we deserve this movie. If humanity has the capacity to create such hell, then perhaps we deserve it. Food turns to ash in my mouth because of ThanksKilling.

I cannot describe the plot of ThanksKilling to you. There is a group of people. Are they friends? It seems so, but they don’t like each other. They’re in a car. A dog pees on a totem pole. The Turkey kills the dog. Then it poops on a man, but it doesn’t kill him. There’s a man – is he homeless? A farmer? He seems okay. He has a shotgun and he misses his dog. I miss who I was before I saw ThanksKilling.

Why is the camera so close to the people? At the start of ThanksKilling there’s a pilgrim who is topless for some reason. She is chased through the woods by a Turkey. She is killed by a Turkey. Why is she topless? Why does the camera follow her chest? Where does the Turkey get a gun? How does he hold the knife? Why am I watching this? Who am I? Do I like film? Help me. Help me. Nietzsche was right.

I am begging you: do not watch this movie. Pray. Laugh. Smell flowers and feel the sun on your skin – life can be so beautiful. Why must ThanksKilling exist?  Don’t watch it. No! No! No! I need help. Please don’t watch this movie. Live. Live your life. Tell me what it is like to live in a world without ThanksKilling. What is it like? Is it nice? Is it good?

I saw ThanksKilling at the Bad Movie Society. Check them out on Facebook for more crimes against creation!

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